Thursday 13: Happiness is Being Married to Your Best Friend

Today Ornery and I celebrate 32 years of wedded bliss. There is no one I would rather spend my life with than this gentle, funny guy who knows just how to make me feel like a cherished and adored queen, and encourages me to be myself without censure.

We have had an empty nest for a little over four years now and while the lack of children at home took a little adjusting, I have to wonder if I had known how wonderful life with him would be "after" if I would have pushed to have kids in the first place!  I really do love my kids, and I am glad we had them, but even with as much love, time and energy as I poured into their lives I have to say I think this time in our lives is better than any other so far.

It has been a long time since I posted a Thursday 13 list, but I thought in honor of our anniversary I would give a list of 13 things we have done to keep our love alive and fresh.

1. Never leave the house in the middle of an argument. Can you imagine the grief the remaining spouse would feel if something were to happen to you--never being able to make it right, wondering if they were the cause of losing you or whether you were gone for good?  The potential for permanent relational damage is not worth the tantrum!
2. Never say anything that is demeaning or embarrassing--in private or in public.  If you see something in their life that you think needs to be changed, private honest communication is better than harsh teasing or innuendo. The couples who say hurtful things about their spouses in public make everyone uncomfortable, especially the spouse if he/she is present!  A deep and abiding love is not something to make light of, but a rare and treasured gift!
3. Remember we are on the same team. While we may choose different methods to reach an end, the most important part is that we arrive together and in harmony.  There is no right or wrong way because each method relies on our perspective, which is almost always different from our spouse's! Clearly communicating our perspective without offending and being open to the other perspective will pave a smooth path for compromise so both parties emerge as winners.
4. My problems are MY problems, not yours. If I am angry, it is not because YOU did something, but because I chose to affix significance to what happened.  As long as I hold myself responsible for my own feelings, you will not need to defend yourself, thus causing more friction.
5. Never go to bed angry, either with each other or with someone else. Even if it is an outside circumstance, it is easy to transfer the anger to your spouse.  If there is no way to resolve the issue right then, at least take a few minutes to release the emotion attached to it by saying, "I release this anger, it is of no benefit to me." It is really that simple.
6. Give and receive graciously, especially compliments and kind remarks.  I tell Ornery often that he is perfect, and in my sight (and in God's because he is in Jesus!) he IS perfect.  I know there are areas he would like to change about himself, (and there are areas I would like to change about myself as well) but when I remind him of my love in that way, he feels ten feet tall and like he can face any challenge that may come his way with me by his side.  When he tells me I am perfect, I know he is looking through the eyes of love, but I want to be perfect because he believes me to be so. 
7. If you want something, be specific--no mind readers live here. This means there may not be a lot of surprises, but that can be a good thing!  I used to "wish" that Ornery would bring me flowers, but once I started buying exactly what I wanted and thanking him for it, we were both much happier for it!  If we are grocery shopping together (which we usually are) he will often ask if I want some flowers, and sometimes I do, but other times I know we are going to be gone too much for me to enjoy them.  I appreciate his generosity and willingness to do something frivolous for me even if I am often too tight-fisted practical to do it for myself.
8. Spend lots of time dreaming together.  Talk about where you would like to go, what things you'd like to see, people you'd like to meet, etc.  Then work toward those you find worthwhile.  It is not kind for one spouse to sabotage the other's dreams through overspending or denying their importance. Likewise, not all our dreams include the other person, such as Ornery's dream of flying again. Realizing that if that makes him happy, it would be selfish to keep him from it, I know I will do whatever it takes to help him reach his dreams and goals.
9. Be yourself.  The only thing worse than not being loved for yourself is being loved for someone you are not.  
10. Notice the little things that make your spouse happy and make them a part of your day as well.  Ornery likes the bed to be made, so I try to do that every day even though it is not really important to me.  I like to have the clothes put in the hamper instead of left on the floor, so he is careful to always make sure his clothes make it into the basket. We aren't always successful with the follow through, but often enough we don't get frustrated that our wishes are not being considered. There are hundreds of little insignificant things we do for each other every day that add up and show the other person how much they mean to us.
11. Do all you can to make the other person's life simpler. We are generous with time and energy to each other.  There are things he can do better than I can, and he willingly (without nagging) does them without complaint. Similarly, I make sure his life runs smoothly by taking care of hundreds of little details that he doesn't enjoy doing, and in fact forgets even need to be done!  When we come upon something neither of us enjoys, we share that as well, knowing that a shared burden is only half as heavy.
12. Understand that we are different, and rather than feel frustrated by that, learn to capitalize on it.  Ornery and I could not be more opposite if we tried.  He is quiet, gentle and peace loving, with the tendency to think things through to the death.  I am loud, wild and confrontational and make snap decisions.  He is slow and methodical, I am fast and furious!  Through the years I have discovered ways to communicate that were not intimidating to him, and he has learned that it is okay to be more abrupt and outspoken than he would normally have chosen.  This has been a huge part of our marital success.
13. Laugh together often.  Find humor in things that would normally be painful and look for the bright side in every situation.  When one is down, the other is there to pick them up.  Laughing together is probably the greatest gift we give each other, and we do it a lot!

There are many other little things we have found through the years, both things that work and things that don't, but these are enough to make any marriage a happier one.  We both entered our marriage young (I was 19!) and with a lot of "baggage" to work through, but through trial and error, and by the grace of God we have discovered a haven in the midst of turmoil and been blessed beyond measure with a deep abiding love.